Monday, December 20, 2010

100 Reasons to Have kids - with snarky commentary by yours truly (Part 1)

Yes, I disappeared again; I get the feeling everyone was expecting that, though. Ya know, seeing as how I keep doing that and all...But, I am back, and I have several gripes (which will be different posts as I have a chance to write them). One of the big ones is a list I received in my email from a family member: 100 reasons to have a child. I don't know where the hell they got it from, but it pisses me off ヽ(≧Д≦)ノ
This particular family member knows I don't want kids, but feels the need to try to convince me that I really do want kids and just don't know it.

I'm sharing the list here, with my commentary. Because I feel like being a snarky smart-ass right now. This is part 1 of 2, just because 100 reasons with comments would be way too long of a post. Part 2 will follow soon.

1. The smell of a baby’s head. Yes, the rumors are true. It rocks.
-No, it really doesn't rock. It smells like baby, and baby-smell is really, really gross, unless you like the smell of dirty diapers, puke, and baby food. Even clean-baby-smell smells bad.

2. Pudgy hands.
- That's a reason to have a baby? You're really hard up for reasons, aren't you?

3. Chubby feet.
- Yep, hard up already and look how far into the list we are!

4. Tiny toes.
- Still? Come on. *rolls eyes*

5. Buying cute outfits at Baby Gap.
- Why do you need a kid for this? If you really want the outfits, buy them. Oh, but I forgot. You need to have a kid to dress up in those cute outfits. You know, dolls are much cheaper and easier to take care of. And they never grow out of or ruin those expensive clothes!

6. For mom, the exhilaration of knowing that you’ve made it through labor and delivery—something your husband could never, ever do.
- You want to bring another life into the world, just so you can know that you did something you're biologically capable of, that your husband isn't. Mm-hm.

7. Guiding another human being towards independence.
- Well, you know, you can help do that without having kids of your own.

8. Looking forward to the day when you and your child are truly friends.
- Oh, look! It's a disillusioned parent who thinks that all kids end up being friends with their parents! Isn't that cute?
Yeah, I'd rather have adult friends, thank you.

9. For mom, getting flowers and gifts on Mother’s Day.
- Wow, that's a reason, too? Gifts on your birthday and at Christmas, and maybe Valentines Day aren't enough?

10. Being able to choose a name for someone else that they’ll use for the rest of their lives. Oh, the power.
- Aw, they're still disillusioned. This is really just too much! I can't take it.
You're assuming they
will use the name for the rest of their lives. Hell, I changed my name. I know several people who did.

11. The first smile.
- And we're back to grasping for reasons. Not that we weren't already, but these particular ones make me realize just how desperate parents really are to justify their choice.

12. Whipping photos out of your wallet and bragging about your kid may not make you popular, but it sure is fun.
- Well, it definitely doesn't make you popular, you're right about that. But you know, there are other ways to have fun that don't involve pissing people off. I can give you a list, if you'd like. Or if you enjoy pissing people off, there are ways to do it that don't involve bring another person into the world.

13. The first “mama”.
- Grasping for reasons again. This is really not a good reason to have kids. Though judging by the phrasing, getting called 'mama' must get old pretty fast.

14. The first “dada”.
- See above. Sure are desperate, aren't they?

15. Not having to answer, “When are you going to start a family?” from nosy aunts at family reunions.
- Oh, this is a great reason! Not. How about you come up with a snarky response or something? Or just tell them to back off and mind their own business? Besides, if you're married, you're a family, and you have a family even if you're single, if you have nosy aunts bugging you.

16. Being able to live out unfulfilled dreams through your child (the fun of a Thomas the Tank Engine train table with all the accessories cannot be described, only experienced).
- Because you can't fulfill dreams without kids. Right, got it. I'll get right on that baby-making so I can start using them to live out my unfulfilled dreams.

17. Seeing what you and your spouse’s features look like when combined.
- Ya know, I'm pretty sure they have software for that now. So, you don't have to bring another person into the world just to see that. Not that it's really all that interesting.

18. The first hug.
- The rest suck.

19. The first steps.
- The rest of these suck, too, I guess.

20. Being perfectly justified in buying all the art supplies you’ve ever wanted. Finger paint, play dough, scented markers. Bring it on.
- Why do you need any justification besides, "I want to."? If I want to play with finger paint, or play dough, or any of that stuff, I'm going to do it, damn it. I don't need a kid for that.

21. Seeing the world through the eyes of a child. They really are wide-eyed and innocent.
- You can go baby-sit or work with one of those Big Brother Big Sister things. And I don't think it's all that interesting seeing things through a kid's eyes, anyway.

22. Baby’s first kick during pregnancy. It’s the neatest thing you’ll ever feel.
- Actually, I think it would be the freaking scariest. It would be like there was some alien in there, moving around, waiting for just the right moment to burst out and murder everyone.

23. Letting other people feel the baby kick during pregnancy.
- And this is a reason...why? I doubt you're doing it to warn people about the impending hostile alien take-over.

24. Pregnancy: the total, absolute freedom to eat anything, in any quantity, at any given time, without so much as a raised eyebrow from anyone in the vicinity. Luscious!
- Ah, you want an excuse to not have any self control. I see. You're another one of those breeder-brained asses who uses everything child-related as an excuse for your short-comings because you can't handle potentially being judged by complete strangers.

25. For mom, seeing a new side to your husband: being “daddy” brings out all the right things.
- If your husband didn't have all the right things to begin with, why the hell did you marry him? Oh, wait. Because you wanted a baby-daddy, that's right. My bad, carry on.
Also, I would not like that side of my hypothetical husband. Being 'daddy' is one of the biggest turn-offs I can think of.

26. Instant ability to connect with any parent, anywhere. You both know exactly what the other is feeling.
- Is that why I see all those parents jumping all over each other when they disagree about breastfreeding, schooling, sex ed, etc.? It all makes so much sense now...

27. First tooth.
-Alright, already! We get the picture that you think all those firsts are a good reason to have kids! Let's stop grasping at straws and come up with some real reasons.

28. First word.
- Ugh, you don't listen very well, do you? Oh, I'm sorry. You're probably half-deaf from your kids' constant shrieking. I'll try to keep that in mind.

29. Cuddling with your baby.
- Furry critters are much more cuddly. Or you could always cuddle with your husband/wife/significant other.

30. In the early years, being thought of as the smartest, strongest, bravest person alive.
- Ego boost. You want to bring another human into the world for an ego boost. That's nice. Ass.

31. Being able to commit to, and follow through with, the decision to not make all the mistakes your own parents did.
- And how do you know you will, hm? Becoming a parent does not mean that you won't make mistakes, including the same ones your parents made.

32. Knowing there’s someone to take care of you when you get old.
- We're on to the selfish reasons, huh? Know what your kids are probably going to do? Stick you in a home and forget about you. It's statistics.

33. Rejoicing in all your child’s achievements: graduation, marriage, starting a website.
- Or you could rejoice in your own achievements. Or your significant other's.

34. Being able to comfort your child when they’re down.
- Become a counselor. Then, you can help lots of kids.
Oh, but it's not the same when it isn't your own, is it?

35. Knowing that your needs don’t have to be the first thing you consider when making a decision.
- Why the hell is this a reason to have a kid? Your needs might take a back seat to your significant other, or to your pets...or to no one. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

36. The fun of playing at the park with your child.
- You could baby-sit.

37. Getting to tell someone something they didn’t already know (Why is the sky blue?)
- Become a teacher. Oh, but this is the same as becoming a counselor. And you have to be qualified to do either of those. You can have a kid even if your IQ is smaller than your shoe size - no qualification required, aside from having functional reproductive organs!

38. Helping with homework keeps your math and grammar skills sharp.
- Now see, this is a good reason NOT to have kids. You have to relearn all that crap that almost no one ever uses.

39. The first time your baby laughs.
- Again with the firsts! Jeez people, come on.

40. After years of being a “couple”, finally becoming a family.
- I'm sure your husband is glad to know you didn't consider him family before you started popping out babies. Because it's not like he's IMPORTANT or anything.

41. Being a parent doesn’t make you realize you’re selfish; it cures you of your selfishness.
- Then what was all that about having kids to take care of you, and justify you playing with finger paint, and living through them, etc.? Ah, that's right. You're a parent so you're automatically a saint, therefore nothing you do now can be considered selfish.

42. The pride you feel the first time your toddler scribbles with a crayon.
- And another first. Over a freaking scribble. Boy, you people just keep reiterating how smart I am to avoid joining your ranks.

43. Seeing your parents as grandparents enriches your relationship with them.
- Oh, so you couldn't be bothered to try to enrich relationships with anyone until kids came along. That's good to know.

44. The opportunity to observe, firsthand, the incredible stages of development unfold during the first five years. It’s like having a Piaget workshop in your very own home.
- It's not that incredible. It's biology.

45. Vowing to dress your child normally, unlike your own mom who made you wear polyester.
- You're going to have a kid, just so you can dress them 'normally'? So they can resent it the way you resent the way your mom dressed you? Go get a doll to dress up. They never resent it.

46. Reading your child all the books you loved as a child (starting with Pat the Bunny and ending with the Lord of the Rings trilogy).
- Or you could, you know, go volunteer at the library if you want to read to kids. But I guess this falls under the same frame of mind that it's not the same when the child isn't yours.

47. While not abusing this power, the opportunity to say “Because I said so” every once in awhile. And having that be the last word.
- The ego boosting again. You really enjoying having power over people, huh?

48. Taking your child to all the places you’ve been (your favorite countries, cities, and landmarks).
- Okay. Why? First off, traveling with a child is a pain in the ass. Second off, the kid likely isn't even going to care, unless you're going to Disney Land or something, in which case the kid's going to be whining about wanting this and that and that other thing and "we have to go on that ride I wanna go on the ride right now WAHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

49. Someday, your child will probably give you grandchildren. According to grandparents, they’re even better than your own children.
- They're only better because you get to give them back when you're tired of them. But you know, this is selfish, too.

****

Yup, we're not done yet; I'm working on part 2 right now.

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