Because I've been spending more time around people since starting college classes, I've also been dealing more with bingos. Obviously, for most childfree people, bingos are just a part of life we have to deal with. I've met some decent people who, when I express my lack of desire for kids, leave it be, or even commend me for knowing myself well enough and not putting an unwanted child in a bad situation. But there are others who push and bingo me until I manage to get them on another subject or cut the conversation short. I wish I didn't have to do that, I really do. These people are otherwise generally very nice individuals; I don't think I've ever been in a class where I like 90% of the people, as I do now.
While I'm sure they don't mean anything by it, I'm still bothered when my pregnancy phobia is dismissed with "oh, just wait until you have your own." No. It won't happen. Desire, or lack thereof, for kids aside, pregnancy disturbs the shit out of me. It's nightmare fuel for me and has, in fact, been the center of nightmares in the past (once to the point that I went without sleep for almost three days because I was afraid of having that particular dream again). I know none of my classmates know that--how can they, when I haven't told them?--but other fears aren't dismissed like that. My fears of clowns, heights, and spiders were all taken seriously. Even my fear of dolls was taken seriously, and that isn't exactly a normal one.
But when I expressed my fears of pregnancy, it was dismissed with an off-hand comment from one woman. I was firm but nice with my insistence that kids weren't going to happen but...it still bothered me tremendously. She's a very nice woman, funny and intelligent, and I like talking to her otherwise.
But to have a legitimate fear brushed off simply because I'm a woman and it's assumed that I will have kids one day is hurtful. People shouldn't be assuming what I want just because of the reproductive organs I happen to have.
The bingos are hurtful, too, in a way, because my choices are brushed off as not being legitimate, or because I'm supposedly too young to know any better (but if I had children it wouldn't be that way). I know I need to just get used to them--I'm going to continue dealing with them as long as I'm spending any amount of time around people. But even though I know remaining childfree is the right choice for me, I still feel so worn down and sometimes I find myself wishing I did want kids just so I wouldn't feel so alone, so people wouldn't keep looking down on my choices. I want the pity, the condescending remarks, and the dismissals of my feelings to stop.
It doesn't matter how confident I am in my choices, it still hurts to have other people dismissing them or reacting badly or treating me differently. I almost hate myself sometimes. I know I'm not defective--I just have a different viewpoint, a different opinion--and yet I'm made to feel I am defective and that I'm a bad person and sometimes being surrounded by that is enough to make me feel like it's true.
I look around me and I see all the current parents and future parents and I feel alone and out of place.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't on different ground about so many other things; I don't know. But I am, and those are things that tend to draw condescending remarks, too (like my English instructor when she asked if anyone in the class was vegetarian and commented that "we won't make fun of you if you are." As though vegetarianism is something to be ashamed about. I've never been ashamed of it but I almost didn't raise my hand.) It makes the feeling of isolation worse and I hate feeling like that. But I know if I tried to follow the "norm" then I would still be miserable because it wouldn't be me. And I hate lying to myself.
I just don't understand it, why its seen as so horrible, so pitiable, so wrong, to make a choice like not having kids. I mean, I know that's how society is--parenthood isn't presented as a choice. But its not the 50s anymore. It's 2012.
I really wish that society as a whole, instead of making parenthood out to be a definite, made parenthood out to be a choice. Plenty of people would still have kids, you can bet on that. There are plenty of people who love them (and plenty of people who have them just so they don't have to do anything with their lives). If it was presented as a choice, maybe we wouldn't be seen as bad people, or defective, or people who should be pitied. Because we're not.
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Hi there, childfree author of The Baby Matrix and Families of Two. I have been writing about and talking to childfree of all ages for over 10 years now...Reading posts like yours makes me be even more dedicated to having society see parenthood as a choice. Those binging you need to read The Baby Matrix and learn why they think what They think about what people are "supposed to do" when it comes to children. Know that you are not alone--there are many childfree out there, and many who like you, know is their 20s that having no children is the best choice for them. Don't ever come close to hating yourself....when you feel like this, you email me anytime! You are being true to who you are and don't forget that. Find childfree community--it is out there online in so many places, and in social groups like childfree meet ups and NoKidding! ~Laura Carroll http://lauracarroll.com
ReplyDeleteFriend, I am forty, married and childfree and it doesn't seem to matter the age as long as one is within child bearing years, for people to assume all women want children and are working towards having children. Oh, the number of times I was asked and the number of times I was ill with a cold or flu and complained of dizziness that people's first reaction was "are you pregnant?" ::eye roll:: Anyway, you are NOT alone, but I know how it feels like you are because I have been there. I have seen the superior attitude overcome a person when they find out that my child less status was a choice, thus "child free". I have even had people get ANGRY at me, like how dare I not join the throngs of tired, suffering parents! How SELFISH I must be....which really baffles me because in my line of thinking one must deny someone of something to be selfish. And while I WOULD have enjoyed the opportunity to have a family surrounding me when I get old, and to pass along my beliefs and values to someone else (how many times have I used the word "me" or "my"?), I knew I would not be a happy parent. So, why bring a child into the world to fulfill my desires? THAT seems selfish. And then to farm your kids out to daycare and babysitters. Ask someone why they had kids and count how many times they use the words "me", "I", "my". So, I have ranted enough and not given proper credit to those few people who accept this choice without issue. I am thankful for them. I am also thankful for my friends who are parents and don't treat me like an alien. I hope you find people like that in our life. And Laura is right, there are communities like us. Even Christian and Childfree....that can be an additional issue for Christians. Thankfully, my church has been exceptionally non vocal or judgmental. I only got grief from a women's Bible study of whom my SIL was a member. Best wishes. And thanks for your blog post.
ReplyDeleteI was your age and working as a full-charge nanny when I first asked my doctor about a tubal ligation. He chuckled and said I was way too young to be considering sterilization, especially if I hoped to get married one day. And he "... did not want to get sued," of course. Like I would actually change my mind and take a professional to court over a procedure that I had deliberately requested, and signed off on. I know it happens but... yeah. I'm smarter than that.
ReplyDeleteIf Kansas is anything like Idaho, I totally understand what you are up against. Having children is just part of the plan, right? My husband and I are celebrating our four-year anniversary today and my LDS grandmother is continuing to patiently await that big announcement that - sadly for her - will never come. Luckily, we put down roots in New York City so those crazy bingos from extended family are pretty easily brushed off but still felt nonetheless.
Embrace your truth and stay strong, even though the road less traveled may be a bit more difficult to navigate. And the next time somebody tries to push your buttons regarding future motherhood, look at them seriously and simply say, "Sure, I'll have 'em but only if you'll raise 'em!".
Thank you for your kind words. : ) I know there are a lot of people out there who are childfree; it just gets difficult sometimes because I don't know anyone in real life who is. It's the feeling of isolation in the real world that really gets to me. I'm in a couple of online childfree communities on LiveJournal, which has helped tremendously in the past when it comes to dealing with the bingos.
ReplyDeleteI've gotten that from doctors before (OBGYNs, at least; my regular doctor has been happy to give me referrals to GYNs for sterilization. I wish so much that he was a GYN, because I'd have been sterilized by now).
ReplyDeleteHaving children is very much part of the plan here. You're looked at funny if you don't have kids, or aren't at least pregnant, by the time you're my age.
I'll certainly keep in mind using that if someone pushes me again, as long as I know they aren't like my step-mother. : ) She would just LOVE the idea of me having kids and letting her raise them.
I've had people seem almost angry with me, too. Mostly people just jump into the bingos or act offended.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand the selfish comments in the least, either; I've had people tell me I'm selfish to deny life to a child, but the way I look at it, I'm doing those hypothetical children a favor not having them--I don't want them so I wouldn't be a good parent. The kids would just end up suffering.
I'm sure with time I'll start to find childfree people in real life. It's just not likely to happen while I'm still living in Kansas, so I'm trying to hold out until I get out of this horrible place.