So, do you remember those baby-rabid family members I mentioned? The ones who have my email address and keep sending me stupid shit to try to convince me to have kids/stop being pro-choice? Yeah, well, they're at it again. I got another list of reasons to have kids. And we all know what that means: blog fodder!
So, here we go!
1. Eating for two.
Really? This is really a reason to have kids? You do realize you really don't have to eat that much more when you're pregnant, right? And it's probably a good idea to make sure you're eating more healthy food than junk food.
2. Maternity jeans.
What's so great about those? Frankly, I wouldn't be too happy about having to find different jeans, especially if it was because I could no longer fit into the ones I've got. It's kinda depressing to me not to fit into clothes that I used to be able to wear.
3. Baby kicks.
No. That's just fucking creepy. There is nothing cool or cute about that. It's the stuff of nightmares! *cowers in a corner*
4. The fun of being able to say "I'm not expecting" when asked how far along you are.
Uh...what? I'm not sure I get this one. If I'm reading this right...you like looking pregnant without being pregnant? O_o I'd be fucking insulted if someone walked up to me and asked something like that. It's rude. And they also would have just insinuated I was fat. I may have a few extra pounds, but I don't need it pointed out to me by nosy-ass strangers.
5. Justified naps.
Uh, if you're that tired, and you're able to, take a nap. There's nothing wrong with that. If not, then deal with it like everyone else does. Yeah, it sucks to be tired. I go through that for nearly two weeks out of every month because of PMS. But that's life; it sucks sometimes. Get over it.
6. Not worrying about birth control.
You know another way you wouldn't have to worry about birth control? An IUD. Or a vasectomy. Or a tubal. Or Essure. Amazing, huh?
7. Hearing the heartbeat for the first time.
Nope. Another creepy one. Another one that is nightmare-inducing. There is something fucking living INSIDE OF YOU!
8. Parking in "Expectant Mother" parking spaces.
Those spaces are stupid. It's good for pregnant women to walk. And if they're supposed to not walk much because of complications or whatever and have to go out then they can get a temporary disability tag for their vehicle and use the handicap spots. Pregnant women don't need special spaces. That's more entitlement and attention-whoring.
...seriously? Do you not realize what a pain in the ass big boobs are? I wish I could get rid of mine. They're always in the way, they're heavy, and it's hard to find tops I like that fit properly. Not to mention bra shopping. I hate bra shopping...I would not want the damn things to be any bigger than they already are.
10. Not having to suck in your gut.
Don't wanna suck in your gut? Then go lose weight. Otherwise, shut up about it. And before anyone jumps on me about how hard it is for some people to lose weight, you can shut up, too. I know how hard it can be. I'm one of those people who struggles with their weight. I have accepted the fact that if I want to continue occasionally drinking pop or eating sweet things, then I'm always going to be a few pounds heavier than I really like. That's just the way my body is. I wanna not have those extra pounds, then I need to do something about it.
11. The fact that nobody picks a fight with the pregnant woman.
Why would that even matter? Do you regularly go around pissing people off or something? And there are people who would pick a fight with a pregnant woman. And those are probably the people you really wouldn't want to cross, so if you do regularly piss people off, maybe you should stop being so obnoxious. Hell, you shouldn't be so obnoxious, anyway. No one likes obnoxious people.
12. Having an excuse for flakiness.
Pregnancy is not an excuse for flakiness. Just because you're pregnant does not mean you're not accountable.
13. Not having a period for nine months.
No, instead you have a bunch of other unpleasant symptoms for those nine months and then you're stuck with a kid for at least eighteen years. I'll take my periods over that any day, no matter how unpleasant they are. A week and a half of menstrual pain/discomfort/PMS symptoms is much preferable, thank you very much.
14. Having your husband cater to your every whim.
Well, if that isn't self-centered...I feel bad for your husband. It's one thing to ask for some extra help; it's another to expect your every whim to be catered to.
15. The epidural.
Yeah, because I totally want someone sticking a fucking needle in my fucking spine. I'm not scared of needles, not by a long shot. I've gotten vaccines and had my blood drawn with no fuss and I've got several piercings. I have never been scared of needles. But I would not willingly let anyone, no matter how well trained they are, anywhere near my spine with a needle.
16. Getting to stay in a hospital for 48 hours. (Of course, this is only appealing if you have other children at home.)
That actually sounds pretty miserable. I hate hospitals. And the food usually sucks, too.
17. The first shower after delivery.
...just...what? Go for a run or a serious work out. Go do yard work. Volunteer to help elderly or disabled people with yard work or house repairs. Showers feel pretty damned good after all of those, too, and you don't end up saddled with a kid.
18. Announcing the arrival on Facebook.
There are other things to get attention for. But I guess nothing beats pregnancy attention for the attention-whores, right?
19. People bring you meals!
Make your own meals. Or buy frozen dinners or take out if you're that lazy. Stop expecting people to do shit for you just because your reproductive organs happen to work and you had unprotected sex.
20. And help you with laundry!
Do your own damned laundry. It's really not that hard. Toss clothes in washer with some detergent, let the washer run, transfer wet clothes to drier, run the drier, fold and put away clothes. And you can *gasp* do other things while the washer and drier are running.
21. And want to make your life easier!
In other words, you're an entitled attention-whore that wants to be waited on hand and foot because you're lazy.
22. That first precious Halloween costume.
Get a doll. It stays that little. And it's a lot less work.
23. Introducing them to their new big sister or brother.
Get some pets. You can do intros with them and pets are a lot more fun and cuddly, a lot less money, and a lot less responsibility.
24. Teeny, tiny baby toes.
Again, get a doll. Besides, there's nothing spectacular about baby toes. They're just like your toes with the exception that they're smaller, which isn't all that great.
25. Maternity leave.
Because you don't want to work and don't care if you're inconveniencing your coworkers. Look, I know working sucks and not everyone is lucky enough to have their dream jobs. But if you're that miserable, try to do something about it. Besides having a baby just to get out of working.
26. Sweet baby giggles.
Borrow someone's baby. Record the giggles. Give the baby back. Voila! Baby giggles without the burden. Not that there's anything that great about baby giggles.
27. Shopping for baby clothes.
I'd rather spend all that money on clothes for me (or better yet, spend the money on books and donating to charities). Baby clothes are freaking expensive. And they just end up spitting up all over them or having diaper blowouts or something. And then they grow out of them in no time at all so you have to go spend more money on clothes for them.
28. Then dressing them up!
Get a doll. Or borrow someone else's baby.
29. Cute baby butts in little baby baths.
They're butts. Who freaking cares? What is it with people and baby parts? They're just little humans for crying out loud!
30. Soft newborn hair.
There are lots of other soft things in the world. Find some of those.
31. The fact that they don't talk back ... yet.
No, they just scream and cry and you have to guess what's wrong, if there's even anything wrong at all.
32. Using your post-pregnancy body changes as an excuse to buy a new wardrobe.
If you want a new wardrobe, get a new one. If you don't have to spend a bunch of money on baby shit, then you'll have money to do that.
33. Baby fingers.
Please refer to 26 and 31.
34. Catching up on all of the TV you missed over the last 10 years.
You realize there's not all that much good on, right? And you can make some time to catch up on all of it when you don't have kids.
35. That precious first smile.
Er, how 'bout borrowing someone else's kid? But really, having a kid just because of a first smile...
36. Having people ask to hold the baby vs. having them run away from your kids.
Well, maybe if you did your job and parented, your kids wouldn't be brats and people wouldn't want to run from them.
37. The ability to transfer sleeping child seamlessly.
Um...okay? Why is this a reason to have kids?
38. Sweet smelling baby skin.
Babies don't smell all that great. The only thing that makes them not smell like sour milk and spit-up is soap and baby powder, which you can use on yourself if you like the smell so much. And does this one sound creepy to anyone else?
39. Pregnancy horniness.
40. The cuteness of baby hiccups.
...that's not cute. It's just hiccups.
41. Little booties.
You don't need a baby for those. Get a doll if you wanna put them on something.
And the entitled attention-whoring again. *eye roll*
43. Funny baby facial expressions, like when they're pooping.
...That's not funny, nor is it cute. Actually, that's a pretty disgusting example. If it's not cute when an adult does it, it's not cute when a kid/baby does it.
44. Having an excuse to be unshowered.
Why would anyone want to not be showered? Are you that lazy? I can't stand going unwashed. It drives me nuts. It's gross.
45. The ability to turn down invites to family functions for at least three months.
If you don't wanna go, then just don't go. It's not that hard to find other excuses or just say, "Sorry, but I'm not really interested in going." I manage to avoid going to every family function there is because I just don't want to go and they don't need to know why.
46. The excitement of their first steps.
*deadpan* Woohoo. They're doing something 99.99999999% of babies learn how to do. And once they start walking? They start getting into shit.
47. Tiny baby ears.
*facepalm* We've been over the whole body parts thing already. Several times. You're really grasping for straws here.
48. The heart-stopping moment the first time they say "mama."
*eye roll* Yeah, baby-babble is great. Not. This is another one of those things that a vast majority of babies learn to do at some point. It's really not that great.
49. Catching sweet moments on camera and showing them off.
Find something else to take pictures of and show off. I'd be a lot more interested in your pets, a cool motorcycle, a craft project or something else and I won't think you're an attention-whoring jackass.
50. You get a baby. Lucky you!
No, not lucky. Now you're stuck with it for the next eighteen years, minimum. And it's going to cost you a lot of time, money, and heartache. Not to mention the attitude/talking back, the tantrums, the "I HATE YOU YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE" moments...need I go on?
...done. Finally. I should be in bed right now, seeing as I have to be up and getting ready for my first classes of the semester in...five hours. But I've been avoiding sleeping lately for reasons I'm going to cover in another post.